It is unfortunate, but in every community there will be those looking to manipulate and prey off of others. Some do this for financial or emotional gain, others just like to see people suffer, but regardless it's not okay and it's not welcome behavior in most communities. Sadly, it still happens, and due to this we feel the need to write on ways to watch out and spot abusers, as well as how to protect yourself if you do happen to be near one. People who do attempt this kind of behavior do so under the cover of online and social anonymity, and sometimes it can be hard to tell whether you're truly at fault or if they're manipulating the situation in their favor.
Generally, people who are manipulative and abusive look like any other kind of person. They sound normal, they act normal, and besides one or two beliefs or "off things" about them, they might not stand out from the crowd at first. It takes time to observe abusive behavior, and if the person is doing it on purpose, you might not even notice it, as they might mask themselves in front of strangers.
Still, there will be signs. One or two may not necessarily be a red flag, unless they involve coercion and manipulative violence, but the more signs that appear, the more likely someone is abusive or trying to manipulate you.
Signs you may be with an abusive person:
Signs you may be in an abusive or cultish group:
If there are more "yes" answers than "no" answers, there is a very high likelihood that the group or person in question may be abusive. They may not be all bad, and some may have some positive traits, but people who show a lot of these signs are often unhealthy to be around. Some people who engage in these behaviors do so because they've never learned any better, but others are seasoned manipulators who know exactly what they want. Regardless of whether you think the person or people involved can change or not, it's best to escape and try to keep a safe distance first, especially if they're trying to get a hold on more aspects of your life.
If you are going to be engaging in activities that make you more vulnerable than normal, please be aware of everything going on, and take time to check yourself. No one is invulnerable 100% of the time, so when participating in communities or activities that will make you more vulnerable than normal, it helps to note what you're like before participating in said activity, and after. Take time out every now and again to make sure everything is alright with yourself and that you feel fine. Understanding people who care about your health and well-being will get this, abusive and manipulative people might not.
And lastly, trust your gut! If you feel unsafe with someone or a group, despite what other people tell you about them and how the person or group behaves, then stay away, and keep a safe distance. If your gut is wrong, then the worst you've done is not get to know a new person, or set of people. If your gut is right, you may have saved yourself unneeded pain and emotional distress you cannot afford, and maybe even your life.
Generally, people who are manipulative and abusive look like any other kind of person. They sound normal, they act normal, and besides one or two beliefs or "off things" about them, they might not stand out from the crowd at first. It takes time to observe abusive behavior, and if the person is doing it on purpose, you might not even notice it, as they might mask themselves in front of strangers.
Still, there will be signs. One or two may not necessarily be a red flag, unless they involve coercion and manipulative violence, but the more signs that appear, the more likely someone is abusive or trying to manipulate you.
Signs you may be with an abusive person:
- Has their personality changed for the worst since you've known them? They were so sweet and kind at first, and now they're bitter and violent, if not mean?
- Does the person display sudden bursts of rage, or "back and forth" behavior? They love you, and promise they'll never hurt you...except when they do. They're the best thing for you and the only one protecting you...except when they hurt you.
- Are they too spectacular for their own good, and for your own beliefs? They're not just having unusual experiences, they're having UNUSUAL EXPERIENCES and they NEED YOU to believe in them, for the fate of humanity!...or just your relationship.
- Do they contradict themselves often and in serious ways? When you mess up something, you mess up badly, but when they mess up, they're not at fault and not able to be criticized, lest they fly into a rage.
- Is love on the line, literally? If you disagree with them, do they suddenly assume you must not love them, and that you want to treat them horribly and make them suffer?
- Do you feel strange around them? Maybe you're dissociating more, are more anxious, or other conditions you have are mysteriously flaring up. This is a common psychological reaction to an increased amount of stress and the trauma caused by being around a person who is unhealthy for you.
- How do they treat people they dislike? Are they simply voicing their disagreement and trying to stay away, or outright harassing said person and stalking them? Are they taking legal matters into their own hands? People who do the latter could turn their anger onto those closest to them if they happen to be abusive.
- Do they manipulate or otherwise coerce you into doing things in a way that disrespects your boundaries? If you do not want to engage in an activity and make it clear, do they circumvent this and try to involve you anyway? Do they get angry if you put up a resistance?
Signs you may be in an abusive or cultish group:
- Does the person or group of people seem overly cordial? If you are strangers meeting for the first time, do they receive you as warmly as they would a loved one? Some healthy groups are just naturally friendly and greet people warmly, but unhealthy groups may also exude a friendly demeanor to attract more members.
- If you've all gathered together because you share a common belief or hidden secret, is the emphasis on keeping the secret and never telling anyone, despite what happens? Is there a good reason this secret needs to be guarded so fiercely?
- Is the leader the most grandiose, the most extravagant, the most erratic of them all? Are dissenting opinions banned or even laughed at? It's a bad sign if a kindly posed disagreement is met with hostility and anger instead of understanding (especially for claims that might need more evidence to be taken as fact) and once beloved members are kicked to the curb.
- Does the group want money or more emotional support than you can give? Do they want you to pay a fee constantly for unproven claims, or want you to move in with them despite only knowing them for a month or so?
- Do they get angry when you set boundaries? Healthy people and friends do not mind boundaries and will understand the need for them, but abusive groups may resist boundary-setting and voice disagreement.
If there are more "yes" answers than "no" answers, there is a very high likelihood that the group or person in question may be abusive. They may not be all bad, and some may have some positive traits, but people who show a lot of these signs are often unhealthy to be around. Some people who engage in these behaviors do so because they've never learned any better, but others are seasoned manipulators who know exactly what they want. Regardless of whether you think the person or people involved can change or not, it's best to escape and try to keep a safe distance first, especially if they're trying to get a hold on more aspects of your life.
If you are going to be engaging in activities that make you more vulnerable than normal, please be aware of everything going on, and take time to check yourself. No one is invulnerable 100% of the time, so when participating in communities or activities that will make you more vulnerable than normal, it helps to note what you're like before participating in said activity, and after. Take time out every now and again to make sure everything is alright with yourself and that you feel fine. Understanding people who care about your health and well-being will get this, abusive and manipulative people might not.
And lastly, trust your gut! If you feel unsafe with someone or a group, despite what other people tell you about them and how the person or group behaves, then stay away, and keep a safe distance. If your gut is wrong, then the worst you've done is not get to know a new person, or set of people. If your gut is right, you may have saved yourself unneeded pain and emotional distress you cannot afford, and maybe even your life.
